


Eugene's Tale

by lunaverserocks



Category: Frozen (Disney Movies), Tangled (2010)
Genre: Funny
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-03
Updated: 2019-10-03
Packaged: 2020-11-22 08:22:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20871140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lunaverserocks/pseuds/lunaverserocks
Summary: "This is the story of how I froze to death..." Eugene's epic detailing of the events following his cousin-in-law's coronation.





	Eugene's Tale

This is the story of how I froze to death. Don’t worry; this is actually a very funny story. And the truth is, it isn’t even mine. Really! It’s not.

For once.

This is the story of two sisters named Anna and Elsa, my wife’s cousins from Arendelle. And it starts…with Elsa’s Coronation.

OoOoO

The kingdom was bustling. Filled with a variety of peasants and royals. Bakers and artisans, complaining children and scolding mothers. A variety of vendors selling their specially-monogrammed wares. Shady trading partners from foreign countries. And one very handsomely-dressed _reformed _thief, if I do say so myself.

“_Eugene_.”

And my darling wife, dressed up in her finest gown, looking beautiful and smitten as her young, extraordinarily eccentric cousin very narrowly avoided a death-defying fall off a bridge while performing her very first public audition for _Arendelle’s Got Talent._

At least her little number wasn’t choreographed…

…and rehearsed and enhanced by the rest of the people walking across that bridge.

OoOoO

The Coronation itself was a little dull. A lot of demure singing, an old dude who could’ve fallen over because of his comically-oversized hat, and a Princess-now-Queen who didn’t want to hold her familial regalia for more than five seconds.

All in all, kind of boring. Well, maybe a little intriguing. And definitely a sign of some sort of tragically-classic, princess-esque backstory. But altogether, unexciting.

OoOoO

Dinner was nice.

And the after-party was even better. Especially the smell of chocolate in the air and the music and dancing. And the clucking toupee-wearing trader from Weaseltown (Wessleton, maybe? I don’t know—I heard it pronounced a few different ways) getting it on like a parading peacock looking for a mate.

Everything was fantastic.

And then Princess Anna disappeared for twenty minutes.

_Twenty minutes._

Which is apparently the _perfect _amount of time for a young couple to fall in love. And fall in love hard.

Hard enough to hang all over each other and talk at the same time. Complete each other’s sentences and giggle like children. To ask for a marital blessing and have planned soup, roast, and ice cream for the meal. To invite _twelve _brothers and _have them stay in the castle that’s not technically yours. _

My thoughts matched Queen Elsa’s. “You can’t marry a man you just met.”

Because nine times outta ten…that man’s a gold-digger. Or a serial-killer.

Or both.

OoOoO

Ice powers. Who knew?

OoOoO

A memorable evening turned more memorable with the sounds of screaming children, declarations of abominations and witchcraft, and one really ugly-looking ice sculpture taken out of Tim Burton’s sketchbook.

And then an overly-dramatic flee _across the fjord. _By _foot._

Again, _ice powers._

But should I be surprised anymore? My wife’s family is cursed. First, magic hair. Now, ice powers. What's next? Talking frogs and living snowmen?

_“Eugene.”_

Cursed. But in a good way. Definitely. Yeah. Definitely not in a feature-length, animated musical kind of way. Nope. Definitely not.

OoOoO

Princess Anna is a few things. First, a terrible judge of situations. Second, an even worse judge of her own limitations. And third, a horrible judge of character.

Why, you ask?

Well, when a person runs away and curses the land with frosty-cold air, it’s probably best to—for lack of better words—let them cool off for a bit. And it’s probably best to go after them wearing appropriate, seasonal attire. Not a silk dress with an embroidered cloak.

It’s also a great idea to take a small entourage. Especially since you just mentioned how rare it is for you to get out of the castle. And because of that, a trek through the woods shouldn’t be the first task you set your heart on. Even if it’s for your snow-cursed, socially-ostracized sister.

Finally, Hans. Gold-digging, everybody’s-cloaks-are-so-last-season-so-I’m-going-to-give-all-of-Arendelle’s-tradable-goods-away-for-free Hans. Does anything else need to be said? Really?

_And what is glogg?_

OoOoO

The snow blows white on the mountain tonight, and I’m pretty sure that somehow, somewhere, somebody is singing.

Because my empowered musical number senses are tingling.

OoOoO

Good news: Hans left.

With an entourage—people who knew the forest and people he could trust. Dressed appropriately in wool coats and cloaks and knee-high boots.

Bad news: he brought back a very-unconscious, nearly-dead Queen Elsa.

And no Princess Anna.

OoOoO

Good news: Princess Anna came back. Riding on a reindeer, of all things.

Odd beast of burden aside, the kingdom rejoiced in hushed, breathy whispers. Mostly because everybody was frostbitten and sitting uncomfortably close to their ever-burning, way-too-tall, I’m-pretty-sure-that’s-a-burning-down-the-house-sort-of-fire fires.

OoOoO

Did the windows just _freeze closed?_

OoOoO

There is ice on the walls. _Ice on the walls._

OoOoO

We had to escape while we could. In the blustery, nipple-crippling cold winds, we stood with the rest of the palace staff and foreign dignitaries, watching the epic finale of Arendelle’s summertime Winter Wonderland.

Anna turned into a human-sized popsicle. Elsa melted her kingdom with the heartwarming power of love. And I watched the best one-sided boxing match ever, complete with a super-powered sucker punch that pushed a fully-grown man over the railing of a ship. Given by a _princess _of all people.

OoOoO

Altogether, a pretty enjoyable vacation. There were a few moments where I was left wondering why things were happening the way they were—Prince Hans of the Southern Isles being left in charge, for one, instead of my wife, Anna and Elsa’s _family. _Or a regent or some sort. Like, maybe, somebody who just had the job…_a day ago_, before the coronation.

But…eh. A solid six out of ten.

Frostbitten toes aside.

“_Eugene.”_

Okay, okay. I’ll give it an eight for the family-friendly, happily-ever-after ending.

**Author's Note:**

> A little choppy, but I hope you liked it. My only thought while writing this: what did Eugene think when all of this weirdness was happening around him...again.
> 
> If you enjoyed, please click that kudos button.


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